Real-m

2011-10-23T12:26:00.002+01:00

You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before, she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the
two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh, cause you to
think twice, and admit to being human and
making mistakes, hold onto her and give
her the most you can. She may not be
thinking about you every second of the day,
but she will give you a part of her that she
knows you can break - her heart. So don't
hurt her, don't change her, don't analyse
and expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her
know when she makes you mad, and
miss her when she's not there.

Bob Marley.

Test

2011-09-03T15:41:00.001+01:00

This post is a test

2011-08-28T20:38:00.001+01:00

Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that's all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that's all we have - to hold on tight until dawn.

2011-08-20T17:48:00.002+01:00

All along I was searching for my Lenore, in the words of Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. Now I'm sober and nevermore will the raven come to bother me at home.

2011-08-12T10:46:00.000+01:00

Case 1: A family, who had just moved here from China, had resorted to mediation because they could not stand the smell of curry that their Singaporean Indian neighbours would often cook. The Indian family, who were mindful of their neighbour's aversion, had already taken to closing their doors and windows whenever they cooked the dish, but this was not enough.

"They said: 'Can you please do something? Can you don't cook curry? Can you don't eat curry?'," said Madam Marcellina Giam, a Community Mediation Centre mediator. But the Indian family stood firm. In the end, Mdm Giam got the Indian family to agree to cook curry only when the Chinese family was not home. In return, they wanted their Chinese neighbours to at least give their dish a try.

You are joking, right?

2011-07-24T15:36:00.001+01:00

"It was twilight with robots running around" - Amrita Das on Transformers: Dark Side of The Moon.

2011-07-15T05:08:00.002+01:00

"At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the love one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving them, even after they're dead and gone. For I still love you with the whole of my heart, Prabaker. I still love you. And sometimes, my friend, the love that I have, and can't give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep."

Shantaram page 629.

This one is for you Jeevan.
Rest in peace.

2011-07-08T07:48:00.000+01:00

A figment of my imagination.
A waking dream.
A living nightmare.

Erratum

2011-06-09T18:10:00.002+01:00

Some people have mistaken my post on the 30th of may to be a personal attack. Yes you are right, it is a personal attack, one direct towards me. It is a self reflection and self critique of the life I live, and the past I had. Looking back at that post, I can see why people are mislead and I apologise for that. It looks as thou I am blaming a certain persona non grata for my lack of posting when that was really not my intent.

If you want an example of a personal attack here's an example:
"At first I Chose to ignore him and because HE continues to act out like a child and go around spreading rumors, just means i have to retaliate especially when it involves the people around me, this person has to learn to stop bullshitting and involving me in HIS personal problems. Because my conscience is clear, i did my best in the relationship and i gave it my all to the very last bit till he gave up, despite my attempts on salvaging it many times for him again and again, that tore me apart on the inside. So i've moved on cause I know i deserve SO much better than him, and i thank my lucky stars that I've found someone who truly loves me for who i am and what i can give to the relationship that we have now. Unlike someone who treated me like a gold prize to be seen and not heard, to be used and taken for granted. And so again, i say to this boy, keep me out of your spiteful words, do not involve me in your childish games, i wish not to hear it or see it, because I'm finally smiling and truly happy after a long long time. If you wish to BLOG about your life, Keep me out of it, or alot more than just rumors will come out from me. Understood boy, hear me loud and clear!"

It should have been been more like why did I ever stop writing bla bla bla...

THEN going on to the main post: Why did I ever stop? Did I lose myself along the way?

I am blaming myself for my mistakes and shortcomings, not anyone else. It is the only way I learn and I'm not proud of my mistakes - and believe me I have made many, but I admit them. This post is about me, not about anyone else. These are my mistakes.

I don't believe in slagging people off, much less so on the internet. Any friend of mine worth his salt would know that about me. I am better than that and I wont succumb to that level.

And so I leave you with a song. Your violence is beautiful and your centre sweet, now tell me dear do you know where we'd meet?

2011-06-01T18:53:00.000+01:00

And so project365 begins.

Project 365

2011-05-31T18:28:00.002+01:00

I was looking through my computer a realised I barely take photos like I used to. Looking back at like 2007 & 2008, there were so many folders in each of these years - about 5 for each month. Looking at 2011 and mind you we are already half way through, I only have 3 albums. Whatever happened to me?

Time for a reboot methinks. And what better way to start, than with a year of my life, chronicled everyday in photos. Project365: June 1st 2011-May 31st 2012.

2011-05-30T21:39:00.002+01:00

Maybe I should write again, maybe I should chronicle my life in photographs again. Why did I ever stop? I used to enjoy writing so much. I never cared if anyone read it or not, these words were for me and me alone. They always were.
Why did I ever stop? Did I get lost along the way? I suppose I did. Did I fall in love with someone else and forgot to love myself? I did. Was I torn apart between two world, between what I had always wanted to be, and what I was becoming? I did. Did I lose myself? Yes. Did I end up hurting myself and the one I loved? Yes.

I there is one thing I have learnt from this relationship is that even if it is to make them happy, never lie to the ones you love. It will only break their heart in the end. And most importantly, don't lie to yourself.

Karma - most of us get the meaning of the concept of Karma wrong. We all think of it as what goes around comes around but in actual fact, it has nothing to do with that at all.
Karma in its purest sense means duty. We all have our duties. I have a duty as a son, as a brother and as a friend. Forget your duty, and watch the sleepless nights unfold.

I will never make that mistake again.

So here I am once again in this savage garden we have for a world, a little stronger and maybe a little wiser.

This is my life, chronicled one second at a time.

Ferox, in finem.

2011-04-23T04:07:00.001+01:00

Cause I've been caught in between all you wish for, and all you need.
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for, any more than me.
May god's love be with you, always.

2011-04-02T21:49:00.001+01:00

Like a pool of moonlit water it was. Touch it even with the fingertip and all its life rises to the surface, only to vanish in quiet once again.

2011-03-01T19:09:00.001Z

If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember
It's no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the plains
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you'll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won't you do it with one who is kind

And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you're living you don't stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night

2011-02-28T20:46:00.000Z

One of my short essays:

I have chosen to discuss Google as a company, and their decision to firmly stand for net neutrality.

Net neutrality is the concept where all internet traffic is treated equally, regardless or source, destination; and more importantly content. It is one of the founding principles of the internet and one of the reasons why it has grown to what it is today. If opponents of net neutrality had their way, we would get tiered bills that charge us for what we use our internet for, such as a higher tariff for video streaming. Opponents are mainly internet service providers, and they argue that companies like Google and Skype freeload on the physical infrastructure that ISPs had to invest in. I find this odd, as Google and Skype are internet services and we the consumers pay the ISPs for access to such services. The only reason why ISPs would push for this, is because it would bolster their profit margins, unethical and biased as it may be.

Google has had a long history of making ethically sound decisions, sometimes at the cost of their profit margins and I, along with many others admire them for that. Perhaps the most famous example is their decision to pull out of the Chinese search-engine market, a highly lucrative one, on the grounds of them no longer willing to serve politically censored search results and at the feet of a corporate espionage scandal.

It starts with Google's slogan: Don't be evil.

The corporate decisions they make, based on ethical ground instead of profits and their vision to make information accessible to all for free has earned them the respect of many companies like Amazon and eBay.

With Google's continued investment in open source software, something which benefits the greater good more than it does for Google directly, such as the Android and Chromium platforms, I can only see their moral capital growing over time.

2011-02-15T17:51:00.001Z

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah

2010-10-01T13:46:00.001+01:00

Why does the sacred cow taste so good. =(

2010-08-18T04:34:00.001+01:00

Don't be evil Google.

Jay deserves a slap.

2010-07-08T04:23:00.002+01:00

Yes he does, for leaving you all like this.

His excuse? I mean my excuse, is well: meh.

I do promise regular content from now on. I've just been on a mental holiday so to speak. Now I'm back in Singapore after one year of University, and I'm being completely unproductive, just the way I like it.

Next up: Europa =)

Coldplay - The Hardest Part

2010-05-18T17:32:00.003+01:00

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining in the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I
Oh, and I
I wonder what it's all about
I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah, that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

2010-05-17T02:38:00.002+01:00

Hey Jeeves,

Hope you've been well. Every now and then I think to myself, usually when I'm alone, what things would be like if you were still here. I know you are in a better place, but I still miss you. It was always one of the things I imagined before I came here, before everything happened. I always thought how when I come up, we'd be able to spend so much more time together. We've always been close, but distant at the same time because we were so far away. And I was really looking forward to being closer to you and family. I'd always imagined we would spend more time together whenever I came down to London.

A few years ago, somebody dear to me once asked me who I was closest to on my mom's side. And even then, before all this happened, even thou we did not speak often, I said you. And I still miss you Jeeves, we all do. Mom and dad are doing better, but I know they still mourn your passing. A little bit of all of us died that day. I still keep and will honour that promise I made to you.

Take care my brother. I will miss you always.

2010-03-27T16:57:00.000Z

Her fury dimmed into something worse, something I'd never seen in her: a resigned and defeated sorrow. I knew it was a sin to put such a feeling in such a woman, in any woman. And I knew, watching her little smile fade and die, that sooner or later I would pay for it.

2010-03-09T20:12:00.001Z

Hellooooo Baby!

Spring time.

2010-03-04T15:41:00.002Z

Well what do you know, its Spring time. That was a hell of a winter experience I went through. I know I asked God to give me some snow, he was just a tad too liberal with it.

The first day of Spring and the sun's been shining down on us, as thou to spread its wings and announce its return. Being March, it marks my 6 months in uni life so far. Hard to believe it's been 6 months already away from home, and I am enjoying it. I now know why people say it's the best time of your life and I really ought to cherish it for all it is worth.

This semester is definitely more fast moving, and the fact that we don't really have a break before exams this time makes revision more important. Well I'm off now to attempt to make chicken curry to a standard that grandma would be proud of.

Ciao.

2010-02-20T15:55:00.001Z

Never bite more than you can chew, lest you be prepared to swallow.

2010-01-13T20:24:00.001Z

To be reborn, one must first die.

-The Firebird.

Snow!

2010-01-05T06:23:00.001Z

It's snowing! Like properly snowing like you see in the movies. I pulled my curtains and my window was white and i was like what the hell? I opened the window and snow fell into my room and everything was white outside. Ah bless.

2010-01-01T04:46:00.001Z

Jay signing in January 2010.

2009-12-31T15:28:00.001Z

Jay signing out of 2009.
See you all next year.

2009-12-17T12:35:00.001Z

From wikipedia:
Nando's is known in South Africa for its humorous but often controversial adverts. One such television advert from 2000, involved a blind woman being led into a pole intentionally and knocked unconscious by her guide dog, which then proceeded to eat the chicken that the woman had just purchased. This caused an uproar within the blind community and caused the South Africa Advertising Standards Authority to call for the withdrawal of the advert.

My question is how did the blind community see the advert in the first place?

2009-12-12T11:47:00.001Z

Can't believe I'll be back home this time next week. It's been 3 months already? What a blast, and I'm loving every bit of it.

2009-11-28T22:04:00.002Z

I kinda like the way I felt this January, I don't know why or what it is actually, I'm unable to put my finger on it. But listening to Mojib's In a State, a song which I first heard and listened to a lot in January, simply brings me back to that time. And god it feels so good. I don't know why, but I wish it was January 2009 again.

Maybe because that was a time when things were much simpler. I was more care free with not a single responsibility to disturb my sleep. As with the song title, I was in a state. Go and get it free from last.fm, and you will know what I mean.

I am Jay, therefore I am.

2009-11-24T17:57:00.001Z

Twilight can sod off. Like stated in Encyclopedia Dramatica: Comparing Stephanie Meyer to Anne Rice would be like comparing My Chemical Romance to Metallica.

*shudders*

2009-11-23T14:42:00.000Z

If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember
It's no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper



And I am dreaming of them on the plains
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads



And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you



If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night



And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart



And how dare that you say you'll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won't you do it with one who is kind



And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you're living you don't stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance



You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed



So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night

2009-11-07T18:18:00.002Z

It's 6.20 in the evening right now and the sky is already pitch black, not a star in sight. I'm back again in Manchester alone and cold and I'm missing my mom already. Wish I was back home for a bit to be honest. Manchester is actually pretty depressing this time of the year...

2009-11-05T09:44:00.002Z

Congratulations to that idiot Chinese man who thought that pulling the emergency stop lever causing my train from Manchester to London to grind to a halt in the middle of no where was real funny. Bet he did not find it all that amusing when he got arrested by the police when the train pulled into London.

Hah.

2009-11-04T11:16:00.001Z

Alright this is the first time I'm trying mobile blogging so lets see how this works out. Currently waiting at the manchester picadilly train station with my mom. No wait, more correctly put, I'm waiting at the train station with all the bags while mother dearest is looking around bodyshop. The last time we all came to Manchester, everybody told us we brought the sun with us. Now it seems she brought the rain with her. Not to mention the hale. Ah well will blog again soon. London, here I come (again).

2009-11-03T19:16:00.002Z

I know Manchester rains a lot but barely snows, but what I was really not expecting was hail. Oh well, not exactly snow like I was craving, but will do.

2009-10-28T07:52:00.003Z

Some loves are like that. Most loves are like that, from what I can see. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and your independence. After awhile you start throwing people out- your friends, everyone you used to know . And it's still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it's going to take you down with it.

Shantaram page 63.

2009-10-25T17:46:00.001Z

It only like 5.30 and it's already dark. I keep on thinking it's like 9pm. Man I'm not used to this. Good thing is mommy is coming over next week. Now time to do some abs and then some mandarin chicken

The Law of conservation of mass.

2009-10-22T01:08:00.002+01:00

The law of conservation of mass. It can be broken.

All you need is a box.

2009-10-18T23:23:00.001+01:00

Jay has officially gone mad. Stay tuned for more.

2009-10-10T21:24:00.000+01:00

Jay just got back from Sheffield. And previous week he got back from Edinburgh. All in the name of charity. And now jay is tired, so he's gonna go sleep.

Is a cold.

2009-09-17T20:36:00.004+01:00

So that pretty much sums up my first week here. The parents both left on Wednesday morning and got home safely. It was really after my parents left and I was walking down the long corridor towards the train station at the airport did I realise that I was truly alone. What I had anticipated for years has finally come.

I am truly sad to leave behind all that I have known for the past 22 years of my life. All the things I've grown up with. All that is familiar and safe, they have all been left behind. And here I am and for once in my life, I am truly alone. I lack the comfort of my own bed, the soft touch of my girlfriend and the warm familiar smell of my mother's cooking. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be here. It's what I've looked forward to for so many years. But as much as I am happy to begin the next, and as they say the most exciting stage of my life, I also am sad to leave it all behind.

On a lighter note, my room does have a strange funk of a smell to it. Maybe the previous occupant died or something, I don't know. But the said previous occupant did leave behind a bunch of hangers in the cabinet so am grateful for that. My window faces the high street so for the most part it is really noisy outside. And having a hospital directly opposite you does not help either. Not a day has gone by so far where I have not heard an ambulance (one just went past as I typed this sentence). Most, if not all of my flatmates are British and I am the only international so I guess it's going to be a very interesting mix. Cooking so far has been fun to say the least. It is a little annoying to be needing so many little ingredients here and there but I guess that's what's required in every kitchen. I already tried out Cajun style chicken and that turned out really well, thou a little on the salty side (was not expecting the Cajun spice to have salt in it) and today I moved on to some chinese stir fry plum sauce chicken.

I'll leave it at this for now, but rest assured I'll be typing much more now.
Wherever I'll go, there I'll be.

2009-09-11T19:12:00.000+01:00

Is a land.

Taking over country: 1% complete

2009-09-05T05:10:00.001+01:00

Jayandran Chandran
Thorncliffe House Flat 18 Room J
Whitworth Park Student Residences
Grove House, 316 Oxford Road
Manchester M13 9WJ

Write that shit down!

2009-09-03T16:57:00.000+01:00

Ok so it's fasting month for Muslims right. And Muslims around the world fast from sunrise to sunset. What about those poor Muslims in the north who have like 18-20 hours of daylight a day. Do they fast for that long?

Poor chaps up there...

Is a post!

2009-08-23T15:10:00.002+01:00

Ok so I have not posted properly in awhile. Sue me. It's not like I've been sitting on my ass doing nothing the past couple of months right? Well actually I have been sitting on my ass doing nothing the past couple of months but that's not the point now is it?!

The fact is I've had a hell of a writer's block the last few months. But I have a feeling that is coming to an end with what's been up lately. So bare with me and I promise you this blog will once again be like it once was, maybe even better.

Toodles.
Today's post is brought to you by the letter J.

2009-08-12T03:29:00.001+01:00

Keep your vigil, little candle, through darkness and sunshine. Yes, for me.

2009-07-29T15:30:00.001+01:00

22 winters.

And I just got started ;)

2009-07-24T13:28:00.001+01:00

The visa is done!

The accommodation is settled!

Now to pack!

Shit...

Accommodated.

2009-07-18T02:31:00.002+01:00

Finally got my accommodation settled. Letters started being sent out beginning June and I was a little agitated as it was already past mid July and have yet to receive my letter. Good news is that I've got my first choice of accommodation which is Whitworth Park right at the very south of the Uni campus, despite the fact that most, if not all, of my classes will be held at the very north of campus. At least I get a nice walk everyday :) And thank god I'm on the second floor and not the first cause from what I heard, the first floor is somewhat below street level and your window would be really high up sort of like a prison cell.

The visa is being processed now at a cost of nearly $350. Bummer. When my sister went to UK, she did not even have to apply for a visa let alone pay for one. All you had to do is get there with your uni letter. Thank you you bloody terrorist and extremist for making life difficult for the rest of us. Because of you I had to get my mug taken along with fingerprints of all my digits. Can't you guys just blow yourselves up without taking anyone else with you in the middle of the desert or something? The things the rest of us have to put up with thanks to your insolence. And you dare say we are the infidels. Grr.

Now I have to go through all the things I have to take with me, and yes that list happens to include a chopping board and turmeric powder. Best I get started.

This is hilarious

2009-07-17T15:22:00.001+01:00

2009-07-05T04:48:00.003+01:00

I think the only person in my generation of music who could ever come close to Michael Jackson would be Justin Timberlake. And that's only if he chooses to suddenly become a black man.

2009-06-23T10:38:00.003+01:00

And my dark soul is happy again, because it does not know how to be anything else for very long, and because the pain is a deep dark sea in which I would drown if I did not sail my little craft steadily over the surface, steadily towards a sun that will never rise.

2009-06-18T07:41:00.000+01:00

Happy Birthday Jeevan.

Missing you always.

2009-06-15T15:33:00.000+01:00

After 20 years, you analyse a lot...
You know, remember people, heroism...
Many people come up to me and say, that, had they been there
They surely would have died.
But no, it makes no sense...
Because until you're in a situation like that
You have no idea how you'll behave

Fronted by solitude without decadence or a...
Single material thing to prostitute and elevate you to a spiritual plane
Where I felt the presence of God
No, there's the God they taught me about at school
And there is the God that's hidden... by what surrounds us in this civilisation
That's the God I met.

2009-06-05T05:50:00.002+01:00

Less than two weeks of NS, and suddenly I realise I have a lot of things I have to do.

And I can't believe it's june.

2009-05-24T09:43:00.000+01:00

It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it

I’m under that night
I’m under those same stars
We’re in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
Could I have saved you?
Would that’ve betrayed you?
I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
What you couldn’t do I will
I forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I forgive you

For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
I’ll forgive you

Nuances

2009-05-19T14:47:00.014+01:00

Jay has post!

2009-05-10T10:39:00.002+01:00

Wow. It's been ages since I posted a proper post.

Well, what can I say, where there's a writer's block, there's a writers block. Lucky I got a sink plunger yesterday from the market. And it's already may 10th. Just like that. I have like just 5 more weeks of NS to go and 4 months to the big D. It is scary when time is flying just like that.

Is it because of repetition, that we lose track of time? Doing the same thing day in day out, that we can't really tell one day from another other than the small nuances between them? Is that how we've all grown older not realising how much time has really passed? Is that how we grow old in the first place.

The amount of things I have to do and take care of in the next 4 months is truly mind boggling. It's not all that bad right now as certain things I can't do yet as I'm still waiting for the proper documentation. But that only means I'll be having the same number of things to do, but with less time in the future.

It's nice that NS is coming to an end. Overall, I think it's a hell of an experience that all guys should look forward to instead of shunning. I can really say that I've learnt a lot in the last two years and that it has better shaped my mindset. Consider me lucky, but I really think I got into the best place to be for national service. Well that's it for now. Next time I'll write about this really obnoxious restaurant I found named secret garden.

Ciao bella.

2009-05-09T16:55:00.000+01:00

will blog tomorrow. and i mean a proper post. promise!

2009-04-28T12:00:00.001+01:00

When I arrive will God be waiting and pacing around his throne?
Will he feel a little old testament?
And will he celebrate with fire and brimstone?
Yeah, I admit, I'm afraid of the reckoning.

2009-04-18T16:33:00.002+01:00

The best advice I've had on love so far was from a sign above a toilet urinal in my barracks during basic military training. How ironic, I know.

It said:

The best way to get love is to give love.
And the best way to lose love is to hold on too tight.

2009-03-30T16:15:00.000+01:00

I need to blog...

Like soon...

2009-03-07T00:53:00.002Z

I think I gotta re look certain aspects of my life.
I think I gotta re evaluate certain aspects of my life.
I think I gotta rebuild certain aspects of my life.

2009-03-01T05:02:00.003Z

I've never had my ass kicked, been pushed, shoved and dragged, had my ear pulled, tickled, belly button prodded, pinched, nipple twisted, scratch and best of all, bitten.

All in a day.

2009-02-22T16:03:00.000Z

After a week, I could use a bit of a recharge :)

3 years

2009-02-22T14:34:00.002Z

I've kept this blog for 3 years now. 3 years of thoughts, words, and memories. Some in prose, and the rest in mystic.

It's weird how I have not written much this month, despite the fact that there's been a lot going on (well relative to my mundane life) and the fact that I've been relatively free lately compared to the previous month when I had classes.

Ok firstly, I will be going for Coldplay next month. Yes, Coldplay. You know... "look at the stars, see how they shine for you" and "Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are." Rings a bell yet?

At first I really wanted to go for them when Amz told me they were coming down, but when I heard that the tickets were 250, followed by 190, I was a little hesitant. I would love to go for them, but when I'm earning just about double that amount, and trying to save for uni, there are some considerations yeh. So my sis asked me if I was going, and I told her the same thing I told Amz, and my sis told me she was still considering if she was going or not. The next day she asked me if I had decided yet, and I told her not yet, and she said we'd discuss it tonight. When I got home at night, I found an envelope on my bed with a note on it saying "Think christmas came early for you =). Sutha, xoxo"

Now I've posted that note on my table, above my laptop so every time I look up, I look at it. To remind myself to be nice to sis. I'm going for Coldplay :D

I have below 4 months of NS left, 114 days to be exact. And now, after spending more than 1.5 years there, I suddenly feel the need to clock more "flying hours" in the sims. Ah well, enjoy it while it last yeh? Not everyone gets this close to such simulators.

Why we strikes me as odd.

2009-02-01T06:02:00.002Z

It's hard to believe that it's already February. I know it's so cliche` to say it was just like yesterday, but it was just like yesterday that I was ushering in the new year with my feet being trampled on by numerous high heels of various beautiful women. But then again, nothing is ever cliche` when you are in it.

Wow, it's already February. Before I know it, it's gonna be June 17 and I would have completed my two years.

So two things took place yesterday that really made me wonder about this country that I live in. Not the country per say but it's citizen to be exact. While walking down a side walk on my way to gym, I spotted further up ahead this lady with a pink umbrella running down towards me apparently towards the train station. So there she was haphazardly dodging the rest of the human traffic on the side walk. And the best part, she was running with her pink umbrella in front of her meaning she saw nothing but it. I don't know what the big rush was, but she was definitely in it. So here she was running towards me umbrella-first with no way to see me and thus I had to choice but to "deflect" it so to speak while voicing out to warn her. All she did was give me a fleeting glance, with no remorse what so ever while continuing her umbrella-first head butt into the crowd behind me. Sheesh. I hope to god that woman never drives.

Later in the evening, I went to fulfil my craving to eat 1kg of mixed kebab from arab street with a few friends. When the platter came, and it was a pretty big platter I must say, there was this malay lady from the table next to us who was looking at the platter. Not an issue, we do this all the time in restaurants when the food items for others arrive. Everyone else is curious as to what the item on the menu look like. When I saw her looking at the platter, and at me subsequently when she saw me looking at her, I just said to her oh this is the 1 kg mixed kebab platter.

Once she saw, or realised rather, that I was talking to her, she gave me the look that a deer gives when it's spotted a lion, or the look a rabbit gives when it crosses a highway and is stuck between the headlight of an oncomming car, take your pick. So this lasted an uncomfortable 2-3 seconds during which I was waiting for her response. But instead, she darted her gaze away back onto her group and pretended this never happend.

How bloody typical Singaporean. Try to be friendly and talk to the old lady who's sitting next to you on the public bus and she thinks you are trying to mug her and stabs you with her umbrella (Or maybe it's because I'm Indian). Talk to the person in front of you in a que and they think you've lost your marbles. Smile at the person who's walking towards you in the opposit direction on a pathway and they think you are hitting on them, rather than being friendly. This nation reminds me of an alcohlic swab they give you before a hypodermic injection. Cold and sterile. That's singaporean to me. Cold, sterile and very very prude.

2009-01-28T13:58:00.001Z

I managed to get hold of volumes 1 2 and 3 of the very best of MTV Unplugged.

I think I'm in love.

Musically Trippin

2009-01-27T13:57:00.002Z

Plus a recommendation for artist :

Was just an ennie weenie bit bored..so...

How super-eclectic is the musical preference of Blacktoxic?

Blacktoxic's super-eclectic score is

718/1000

As this number is larger, you have a more eclectic musical preference. People with scores over 700 have bragging rights. People whose score is below 400 should consider more musical styles!

The following are the artists with the most occurences in your list

Ashanti (9)
Destiny's Child (8)
Kelly Rowland (7)
Beyoncé (7)
Michelle Williams (7)
Ne-Yo (6)
Christina Aguilera (6)
Chris Brown (6)
The Kooks (6)
Snow Patrol (6)
Keane (6)
Stereophonics (5)
Jennifer Lopez (5)
Rihanna (5)
Kasabian (5)
Fergie (5)
Usher (4)
Ciara (4)
Coldplay (4)
Monica (4)

2009-01-26T15:12:00.001Z

The water is warm,
but its sending me shivers.
A baby is born,
crying out for attention.
Memories fade,
like looking through a fogged mirror
Decisions to decisions are made and not fought
But I thought,
this wouldn't hurt a lot.
I guess not.

How bad are the times?

2009-01-25T03:48:00.002Z

We had our chinese new year lunch in the office on Friday. And since I'm on the tail end of my NS service as one of the Colonels put it with just 140 or so days to go, this is my second and last chinese new year lunch I'll have in my unit. I like the concept of our commanding officer giving us in hongbaos a 4D ticket instead of cash. Kinda unique I must say.

You can feel in some subtle ways that times are harder now than they were last year. Our feast was still in many ways in feast, but I noticed we did cut back loads compared to last year. Like for example, we had 5 suckling pigs last year and just two this year. And when we bought much less ba kwa this year than compared to last year. And I do mean alot less. I volunteered to cut the suckling pig (I've got a nice photo of it, will put it up later when I get my hands on it) and while I was cutting it, I was quietly instructed to cut it to much smaller pieces than it was normally cut, so we all ended up having unevenly cut 1 inch squares of suckling pig (all thanks to me).

Well happy chinese new year all my mungen friends, now I gotta figure out what to do for the next 3 days =)

2009-01-21T14:10:00.002Z

Have been kinda swamped lately with the closing bits of my course. The sudden need to study a whole semester's worth of work in a few day, plus been running around in general.

Will blog proper over the weekend, hang in there folks;)

2009-01-12T16:48:00.000Z

She hides in the back, and is unseen.

2009-01-06T14:11:00.000Z

31/2/2009

Finish the fight.

2009-01-01T08:19:00.002Z

Out along the edges
Always where I burn to be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity

2009-01-01T02:49:00.001Z

2009.

Make it so.

Before it's coming to an end

2008-12-30T15:09:00.004Z

"Time to get the seeds into the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before its coming to an end, yeah

Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hands
Before it's coming to an end, yeah."

That's a piece from Brand New's Sowing season.

For me, 2008 was suppose to be a year of silent anticipation for 2009, because I never really expected much to change in 2008 with me being stuck in NS and all. It was suppose to be a wind, watch and wait year for me. A sort of staging ground you could say.

I guess the higher orders have a different way of bringing about change, and that is to throw you right into the middle of the fray. Well you know what they say, never see change without a fire. And boy was I thrown into the fray. If there's one thing I've learnt this year, it's the importance of not compromising yourself. From the experiences of both my own and of those I care about. Wow what a tragic mess you get yourself into when you compromise yourself. And believe me, it's a slick hole that's not easy to get out of.

I've also learnt that there are some things we cannot change, no matter how much we want it to. Sometimes we have to choose our battles, even thou they seem presented to us. Because there are some things that are worth fighting for, and some things that are best to just let go of. Even if it means losing that which you've held so dear.

It's a very sombre experience, seeing the fray that you and those you care about get into. And what I find remarkable is how we emerge from this. Some come out stronger, while others irrevocably never recover fully with their demons forever haunting them in their own deep, personal way.
I must also say that I truly am happy that I've been able to mend some of these ties that bind, knowing that these are the people who are most important to me.

I look forward to 2009 as I would an argent dawn. Holding on to the hope of Pandora's that if we just hold on a little longer, things will get better.
Time to get the seeds into the cold ground, it takes a while to grow anything, before it's coming to an end.

To absent friends, wherever they may be.

2008-12-24T11:05:00.002Z

Dress your cat in gay apparel
fa la la la la
la la la la
Put your life in mortal peril
fa la la la la
la la la la

Merry Christmas everyone =)
Egg nog, here I come.

2008-12-20T11:08:00.001Z

There's a place I'd like to go somewhere out west,
it's not specific, and the pictures show it best.
I know there's trees I know there's sand and I know there's grass,
I know it's somewhere in the past.
There's a girl out there who's lookin for it too,
she's not sure when she'll go or exactly what she'll do.
If i am doomed am I the first on or the last?
Am I just someone from the past?

No one has to hear, the sound of people laughing at their fear, and the ocean and sun are always there, to make you happy if you're feeling scared of the darkness.

If I ever saw a ghost it'd change the way I think.
I wouldn't gasp for air if ever I did sink.
I wouldn't struggle, I'd just let it all out fast,
and then start living in the past.

If we hold the hand that rapes the hand,
and everyone can feel the hand,
and nothing's gonna change,
it could be the time we're living in,
we'll never feel so safe again,
but love always remains.

This one's for you.
Yes, you.
The one who least suspects it, this one's for you :)

Monsters in a box.

2008-12-18T11:39:00.002Z

Ever since I got my laptop back in 2004, I had to put up with listening to my truckload of music on these tini weenie laptop speakers which is to my estimates 1/4 watts RMS each. And me being the music maniac that I am, I was forced to use my headphones, no not for privacy but rather for decent listening quality. But that came with the drawback of me having to be glued to my seat to listen to anything.

Well, not anymore. I knew I was leaving late next year for at least the next 4 years, and I really wanted a good speaker system to go along with me for all the time I'm gonna spend away from home. So I was eyeing these guys for a couple of months and just my luck, creative introduced a refreshed version of them which was for the most part a face lift and decided to phase out the original series at a reduced price. Good things come to those who wait.

And boy these babies do not disappoint despite lacking a dedicated sub-woofer. So much so that Mr. Fighting Fish on my table is a lil unhappy with the new vibes. Check this vid out for affirmation.

2008-12-17T15:08:00.002Z

I woke up this morning with a sore throat and a slight fever. Knew it was coming since Sunday due to all the lil bits of choc I've been eating and these deliciously amazing maple syrup & almond nougats I received.

I would have actually headed to camp as the sore throat was not all that bad but then again, I was in the Christmas spirit and it was better to see the doc. I was expecting a day's MC but the good doctor gave me two days instead. And I just so happened to be on leave this Friday as well which makes for a nice long weekend. And considering that I just got back from a 9 day break last week, there's alot of people in the office who are gonna be cursing and swearing.

I guess I better check my cup before I drink from it on monday...

Fallin

2008-12-15T10:46:00.002Z

I woke up this morning at 6 plus and snoozed for a bit and when I saw the time as 6.30, I hopped out of bed. Owing to the fact that I was training my legs on Saturday and they were severely sore now plus prolly still being half asleep, I made it about two steps forward before my legs buckled and gave way on me, and I fell down. Lucky for me that in the process of falling down, or near it rather, I took a step back and managed to fall back onto my bed, well most of me anyway. Picture me with my head and chest at the edge of my bed right next to my pillows, the rest of my torso slumped over the side of my bed, and my legs dangling on the floor. Lucky nobody saw me.

Later in the day, due to the fact that the air conditioning in the unit gave way sometime over the weekend, the floors were literally covered with water. And water on a vinyl surface does NOT provide much traction. Walking along, I managed to slip, and this time there was no unmade bed behind me to break (semi) my fall. Thankfully for me, it is human instinct to pull your head in during a fall so you don't exactly get to bump it around. Not like there's much to kill in it anyway.

And now I'm off to gym again. Oh this life of sacrifice...

2008-12-11T11:18:00.001Z

You can let it drive you, or you can let it destroy you.

Your choice.

A Child Loaned

2008-12-10T08:58:00.004Z

"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of mine." He said.
"For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call him back
Take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms and gladden you,
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all form Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call
And take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.""

2008-12-08T15:25:00.002Z

Avin's back in Singapore for awhile, and so is Miss Kim Teo. And Jess is coming to sg on new year's eve.

It's nice having people back from overseas. This world has become so much bigger, and so much smaller at the same time.

The year is coming to an end

2008-12-08T09:28:00.003Z

I know I have denied you all a proper blog post in awhile. Don't think I have given you a real post since before September. It's not so much of me not wanting to write, or not knowing what to write, but rather I felt I needed some time to gather my thoughts, which I must admit, has been all over the place.

I guess it's fair to say that these past two months have been weird for me and my family, and truth be told, this whole year has been a rather weird one. So much so that I've told so many people that I just want this year to come to a close and move on to 2009.

I feel that the person I am at the end of this year is very different from the person I knew myself to be at the end of last year, and it really is due to all that has come to pass in this one year. Not only things that have happened to myself, but to those around me as well. When I created several mosaics of myself composed of the thousands of photos I've taken over the past 3 years, I realised that all these events that have taken place, and all those people in those photos, have helped shape me into who I am right now.

I'm reminded of a story of hope I've read awhile back and shared with Anitha a few weeks ago. When the world was created by Zeus, he left the creation of all the creatures of the world to Prometheus. Prometheus created all the creatures of the land and gave them each a special gift. The last creature that Prometheus created was man, and by the time man was created, all the gifts were consumed. So Prometheus instead stole from the primordial fire, and gave it to man, thus giving man the gift of light and innovation. Zeus disapproved of this and took away fire from man soon after.

Prometheus could not stand to see his most beloved creation suffer, and so he stole the fire, and once again gave it to man. Zeus did not tolerate this, and he tied Prometheus to a rock where an eagle would eat out his liver while he was alive. And with Prometheus being a god, his liver grew back each night, and thus he was forever doomed to this agony.

To punish man, Zeus created Pandora, the first woman, along with a gift, Pandora's box, with the instructions of it to never be opened, lest the human race be fated to be doom otherwise. But curiosity got the better of man, and the box was opened and thus letting into the world all the horrors and agony and suffering that we see today and at the same time taking away all the joys we have ever held on to in this world. The box was closed just before hope was taken from us as well.

And now all we have left is hope. Hope to fight all the horrors and fears we see in our lives today.

And that is all I have to hold on to, hope. Hope that no matter whatever has happened to me, if I hold on just a little longer, things will get better.

Even thou people whom I love have died, even thou best friends that I thought cared about me walk away for their own selfish reasons, even thou friends fall out from each other due to misunderstandings, I will never ever let go of that hope.

Be the change that you want to see in the world.

2008-12-05T02:39:00.000Z

Something I hear all too often at home...

10 Songs on my death bed

2008-11-28T15:57:00.003Z

If I ever were to die young and unexpectedly, I hope someone would have remembered reading this and fulfil my wish by having these songs played at my funeral.

1. DAB - Genesis (Cafe Del Mar Vol. 14)
2. Almadrava - Land Of Eternal Sunset (Cafe Del Mar Vol. 14)
3. Raccon - Beautiful Smile (Cafe Del Mar Dreams Vol. 2)
4. Hans Zimmer - Black Hawk Down Main Theme
5. Clint Mansell - The Last Man (The Fountain Soundtrack)
6. Norwegian Recycling - No Taylor, No Scar (Appetite for Reconstruction)
7. Phill Collins - Paradise
8. U2 - With Or Without You
9. Clint Mansell - Together We Will Live Forever (The Fountain Soundtrack)
10. Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight

Thank you.

2008-11-23T04:20:00.002Z

Maybe she would find me more charming on account of what's befallen me - the unexpected horror I've seen, the inevitable pain I've endured. It's an awful truth that suffering can deepen us, give a greater luster to our colours. a richer resonance to our words. That is, if it does not destroy us, if it doesn't burn away the optimism and the spirit, the capacity for visions, and the respect for simple yet indispensable things.

-The Vampire Lestat

2008-11-22T11:54:00.003Z

So hurtful to be again the outsider, forever on the fringes, struggling with good and evil in the age-old private hell of body and soul.

The Vampire Lestat, in Queen Of The Damned by Anne Rice

2008-11-20T14:49:00.002Z

All these years, all these memories
There was you
You pull me through time

You wrote that to me on my 20th birthday last year. I still have the card on my table, as do I have the starbucks serviette you wrote your note on, on my wall.

And now you are desperately trying to run from all these memories, away from it all. And I, being there through it all, remind you of all that has come to pass thus far, all that you are running from.

How cruel the gods are, that the one who has pulled you through time, is the one you try hardest to run from.

I wrote several months back this year, that the ones who can only truly hurt you, are the ones you care about, the ones you keep inside of you in your heart. Yet you must never stop loving with all your heart, but somehow retain the ability to always have an escape plan, and keep standing.

Preeya thought that was impossible, cause to love with all your heart, is to lower your armour and be vulnerable once more. I guess what I really did mean was the ability to take a beating, and still keep your faith and your hope. No matter what's thrown at you, again and again.

Now, I test my construct.

2008-11-16T02:50:00.000Z

2008-11-13T15:50:00.000Z

It's been two months

I still miss you so..

Rest in peace bro.

2008-11-09T05:48:00.002Z

Go ahead.

Try to bring me down.

Try to make me lose my faith.

Try to make me doubt myself.

Give it to me.

Give me your best shot.

You don't stand a bloody chance.

Appalachian Springs

2008-11-08T04:05:00.001Z

Does anybody know where we're really gonna go?
I was wondering if we've got that real soul
You know the thing you cannot trade or ever own

Does anybody know where we're really gonna go?
I was wondering if we've got that real soul
You know the thing we cannot trade or ever own

Solitude, my sacred mood
Appalachian Springs
All my things

Took a step to the left
Took a step to the right
I saw myself and it wasn’t quite right

Does anybody know where we’re really gonna go?
I was looking for answers in a soul
In the feelings that a man can’t control
I let the fire burn bright in the dead of night
Disappointed she’d get I told a lie
I said that I would never be on their side

Took a step to the left
Took a step to the right
And I saw myself and it wasn’t quite right
Took a step to the left
Took a step to the right
I keep it together, yeaaaaah…

And I was waiting for my number come
Like a bingo calling, singing in the sun
You said 'our number’s 69', I said 'ok'

Solitude, my sacred mood
Appalachian Springs
All my things

Took a step to the left
Took a step to the right
Yeah, I keep it together
You know I’m not lying
Took a step to the left, yeah
I took a step to the right
I’m gonna keep it together

C’mon [x 3]

Does anybody know where we're really gonna go?
I was wondering if we've got that real soul
You know the thing you can’t trade or ever own
Or ever own [x 9]

Good luck, I’m coming home
Feels so … (?)
I don’t know where I’ve gone

I took a step to the left
I took a step to the right
And I saw myself and it wasn’t quite right
Yeah, a step to the dreams
Slippin’ out, slippin’ in and out of dreams

Where the sun never sets

2008-11-08T02:53:00.002Z

I'm here at the first line of this post, and I don't really know how to start this.

A part of me wants to talk about the trip I made to London, but a part of me does not want to go there either. I say trip because by no means was this a holiday, not even close. It was the first time I have ever travelled with a heavy heart.

And this is also the first time that I've ever felt powerless. If there's a problem, you go out and fix it. It can always be fixed. It may not be exactly what it use to be last time, you may see the scar, but it's fixed. And scars fade with time.

But this one, it's a little bit harder than most. I can't fix this. It is impossible for anyone to fix this. It is an ultimatum, binary- one or zero. I can't bargain, neither can I come to a compromise.

Even worst, it does not even tell you it's imminent approach. Such a death happens to you just like that. You have no foresight, no chance to to brace yourself, no opportunity to expect. In that single moment that you've never asked for, your whole life has drastically changed.

And I'm not speaking of my own life here, and I can only imagine what it feel like.

There's so much future lost. At least 60 years of life meant to be spent together, a shared root and a shared future just taken away. Like a young tree losing one off its 3 main branches. The other two continue to grow and will always look down at the stub that will now never be.

Even I was looking forward so much to the time we would all spend together in the coming years when for once, I was not gonna be on the other side of the globe.

I'll keep an eye on everyone, I promise you.

To absent friends, wherever they may be.